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1934B W. 8th St. Erie, PA. 16505 814.835.3430 |
Divorce is a death. The reality of the end of an intimate relationship; one that began with enthusiasm, intimacy…hope for a loving future, is a difficult one to accept. Then the changes begin – the adaptations to a new reality. Perhaps the most difficult; not seeing the children everyday. So, why not title this article “Moms and Dads”? At the very high risk of offending fathers, it is an inescapable and statistically impressive fact that in high conflict divorces, mothers continue to be the primary* and preferred parent. As such, Moms often find themselves emotionally lost when it is time to switch custody to Dad. Here is where the problems may begin. In our practices, we’ve identified some common struggles in the process, defined the dynamic and hope to introduce some solutions: (continued below) |
Moms and Divorce - Changing
roles, letting go, and surviving the pain
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1. “Now he wants to be a parent” – whether justified or not, Moms can often be critical of Dads who find their spirit to parent children after divorce. Why? Despite denials of the same, Western culture continues to perpetuate traditional gender roles. In fact, after the “boys came home from the war” (World War II) and displaced women working in the factories, women found other jobs, but didn’t give up their homemaker role. This continues today. However, for the most part, men have maintained their single role status in the home. As such, they have worked at the office, around the house, a second job, etc – leaving child-rearing to Moms. After a divorce, Dads are in a position to have to learn the new responsibilities of direct caretaker. The good news is often this is a great opportunity to bond in a different way with the children. The bad news is it can become an area for frustration with Moms. What can you do? Acknowledge (despite your anger) that in the end, if he rises to the occasion, the kids are the ones who benefit. That is a valuable change. Your relationship with the children is safe. What is left to do is mourn why that couldn’t happen while still married. 2. “He does it all wrong” – as mentioned above, if the parenting process changes, Dads may find themselves floundering a bit in their new role. They may be downright clumsy. Because it is likely that there is no love lost between you and your ex, you might find it easy to be critical. There are two things to remember: a. The relationship you had that MIGHT have supported a challenging conversation on how to be a good parent or “do it right” is likely over. As such, you have to decide if you are the best person to bring the critique to him or if the critique is necessary at all. Often, Moms over interpret the need to intervene. How necessary is it to bring each of your children’s concerns to your ex? “Choosing your battles” is a good strategy here. b. It is also likely that your kids are bringing you bad news from their visit for a number of reasons. I explain it this way – Kids “report” to their parents for three reasons. First, to get things off their chest, and often, this is also to prove their loyalties to you by throwing the other parent under the bus. Second, to get advice from you (which is pretty rare, actually). Finally, to get you to intervene on their behalf. Believe it or not, this is the least likely reason. More often than not, it is to report because they believe that is something they’re supposed to do. How should you respond? Ask them what they want you to do. It is likely that telling the other parent falls somewhere around the 1% area. “Do nothing” is their likely response. 3. “Moving on” – when he moves on to another relationship, you may find that you revisit the feelings of “He does it all wrong” again, except perhaps in some amplified way. I promise this is not going to be an accusation of jealousy on your part. In fact, bringing a new partner in and introducing them to the children is an enormously difficult and provocative task. With that said, this is another time to consider tempering what and how much you should say. No matter how you look at it, an ex-wife discussing relational indiscretion just plain sounds like sour-grapes. If the children are having a hard time, encourage them to talk to their dad. If he doesn’t listen, ask them if they want you to talk to him. If so, keep the conversation short, when relaying the message, state that you thought he should know. Be polite and get off the phone as quickly as possible. Don’t offer advice unless asked for it. That’s it. It may change, it may not, but this is as much as you can do. “Moving on” (part 2) – it is now time for you to consider your own life, love and support. Not everyone will remarry or even date, but for those that do, finding a trustworthy, intimate relationship is really a good thing. There is a tremendous amount of support that can be gained in a good one. Many people ask me when they should introduce the children to the guy/gal. My response is “when you are talking marriage”. Moms and Dads who bring intimate partners home too soon, or worse, move in together with no real long term commitment are creating the opportunity for significant hardship for their kids. This is not a moral commentary, honestly. This is an unfortunate oversight and irresponsible move on a parent’s part. My practice is full with children whose parent’s brought their boyfriend or girlfriend home too soon. Don’t agree? Then consider that the court often agrees with this opinion. In the end, individual therapy with a counselor who understands the divorce process often proves to be a terrific sounding board and coaching opportunity. Take advantage of your local counselors if you find yourself in a situation as discussed above. ErieKIDS has a terrific video available that discusses these struggles. It is good conversation starter with kids and the ex. It is available for purchase at: http://www.eriekids.org/education%20store/in%20the%20middle%20dvd/ If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me directly at jeff@eriekids.org * Physical Custody awarded - 72% - Mothers, 16% Joint, 9% Fathers National Center for Health Statistics.
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